nothing i ever wanted in life has ever come to me, in the present i feel alienated from society.....people avoid me, people are aloof......if i walk into a store it soon filters out....to leave only me there.......im being SOCIALLY excluded.....and have felt this way for a long time.. when i wanted a dove....i always got a blackbird - grrrrrrrrrr ! ( clenched teeth ) whenever i seeked out the beautiful white dove it always hid from me.....wasnt there......avoided me. but instead the horrible blackbird seeked me out instead , and i rejected it with intense anger always. whenever i wanted company.....needed friends.....longed for the company of the white dove, the blackbird came and kept me company..once again when i seeked out the someone i always wanted, the pale beauty of rosey cheeks - they always stayed hidden from me......not around......not there...elusive. i cried for acceptance.......tried desperatly to get relationships.......longed for the white dove............not around. but instead the blackbird came to answer my call once again.....i rejected it then more blackbirds came. ive never had nothing ive wanted, nothing i want has ever come to me. this has always been the theme of my life - nothing i want or wanted has ever come to me ! ( clenched teeth ) angry just thinking about it. i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society. i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did. i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying. ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education.. im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society. i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me.. i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems.... no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past.. i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had.. im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd. wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal. ive aged prematurly in my face.. have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now. this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger. im despairing right now. its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind. people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation. my only goals in life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe. but i have a hard long road ahead, and nothings coming to ME !! NOTHING EVER HAS COME TO ME !!
--------------------
As I sit reading your post, I'm nearly in tears. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Noone should have to go through life like this. I agree. Your mother? Is she still there? How would she feel if you left England without her? Email me, we can talk. I am interested to hear what YOU have to say. You sound very educated, contrary to what you say here. There is someone who will listen - I'm right here.
Source
No comments:
Post a Comment