Sadness

It's been an emotionally draining week.

I have had many many lovely, kind, interesting and funny patients on my assignment recently.  These people are a joy to look after.

And it's amazing to me that they can be so sweet and lovely when they are so sick.  I would be a miserable bitch and then some.

Many of them are way too young to be getting these shit diagnosis and prognosis.  They are young with young children. It is unbearable.  We are talking 30s, 40s and 50s.

I didn't want to be there when the consultant told Mr. and Mrs. Doe that John has cancer everywhere.  The look  of agony and fear on their faces is keeping me awake at night.

Another young patient who likes to prank the Nurses (in a nice way) and has me laughing so hard that I cry is also very very sick.  He suddenly deteriorated on a recent shift of mine.  I was shaking in my boots, thought we were going to lose him then and there.  Thank god my other patients were okay and I was able to stay with him at all times. The team really pulled together well.  The junior doctor was brilliant and so was her senior.  The xray folks and ITU nurse were on the scene right away and very competent. The ICU ward that I rushed this  patient to was fabulous.  I was proud to work in that place after seeing how well the team functioned.  I am surprised that ITU  accepted him but they did.

 I think they saved his life that night even if it only extends his life for a few more days.  But facts are facts and the truth is that this person will not be with is much longer no matter what we do.   He didn't want me to call his partner in because "she'll worry too much and the little ones are in bed and can't be left alone".  He said he will see her during visiting.  I am afraid that he won't be there for the next visiting hours.  But I couldn't tell him that. It isn't my place.  He wouldn't let me call his partner.  He was adamant. The medical team were on their way in to speak to him at that point and were going to be very very direct and they are going to speak to the partner. I think he knows the score anyway but is in denial.

Instead of being pleased at myself and the team for a job well done I feel like crap with a knot in my stomach.

The icing on the cake was my dying elderly patient. This patient has  sprightly elderly parents. The parents had asked that we ring anytime so that they could be with their 70 year old child when he dies. One morning it became very obvious that this was going to be it and I phone them to come in straight away.  The patient died before the family made it back to the hospital.  The arrived on the ward and I didn't want them to go into the side room and find the corpse so I asked them to come with me into the family room first.  When I asked them into the family room they pretty much realised that he had gone and started grabbing onto each other.. When I sat them down and told them that he had indeed passed and that I was so very sorry the mother started screaming and tearing her hair out.  I don't care how old you are or how old your child is......losing your baby is the worst thing in the world.

Later on we received  lovely letter from this family thanking us for our kindness and for caring for this patient so well.  Still feel like complete  shit.






* details have been changed to maintain confidentiality.