Yumminess... (and if anybody asks me if I just stole these pictures off the internet I'm going to smack them)

Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Espresso Frosting

Scottish Shortbread

Tzatziki

Argentine Skirt Steak with home-made Chimichurri

Gruyere and White Cheddar Macaroni and Cheese

Zucchini Fritters with Lemon and Parsley from my garden

A Few More...

Red Velvet Cake

Shrimp Remoulade with Fried Green Tomatoes

Pineapple Upsidedown Cake
And, NO, I didn't make/eat these all at once. Actually the Red Velvet Cake got tossed. Didn't like the frosting texture.

Q: So Ella, Why Did You Flunk Out of Med School?

A: Um, I got new cookbooks instead of textbooks, spent my financial aid money at the farmer's market, and I forgot to study medicine. Completely.

Q: Was it worth it?

A: Absolutely.

Filet with Sauteed Mushrooms and Burgundy Sauce

Brown Molasses Sugar Cookies

Home-made Guacamole

Coq Au Vin

Fresh Figs with Chevre Goat and Raw Honey

Mushroom Turkey Burger with Blue Cheese

Kidney Bean and Summer Squash Soup

Flourless Chocolate Almond Cake

Beef Bourguignon

Cold Cucumber Salad with Red Pepper and Sweet Vinaigrette

Creme Wafers

Fresh Peach Ice-Cream

Bucatini Pasta with home-made pesto, roasted eggplant and pine nuts

Farm-House Loaf

Update on what the hell I'm doing with my life....

I couldn't take it anymore. My living situation, my relationship, finances, plus a million other things were really getting me down. I wasn't studying. I wasn't going to school. I managed to compartmentalize everything last semester and just focus on school.... but for whatever reason I couldn't make it work this semester. I stared at books without reading, cried in bed for days on end, and felt so.... so.... I don't know how to describe it. Hopeless? Not really. Overwhelmed? Ok, maybe. Numb? Yes, that's it. Just like I was existing in a parallel universe that I didn't choose or create. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing, that brought me happiness was med school (well, and my doggie of course). And when that started to slip, I really cracked.

So I sucked it up and made some changes.... albeit the most difficult choices I have ever made.

Change #1

I have a new house. Well, it's not really mine (unlike the 160 year-old house across town) as I am only renting.... but for the time being it's a great place and a fresh start. And all for me. Just me. A tiny antique shotgun with gleaming hardwood floors, 3 fireplaces with antique mantles, plaster medallions on the light fixtures, a jacuzzi tub, 12ft ceilings, and a brand new kitchen and bath. In a neighborhood close to school that I like. Pretty much perfect. All for the same price I would pay if I moved into the med school dorms. It's probably so cheap because it's definitely on a bit of a sketchy street. The neighborhood in general is nice, but the street, ah... not so much. Good thing I have a security system.

Change #2

Oh, not sure if I can say it. Begins with a t_ _ _ _ _ y. Which has been good. So nice to hear for a change that I'm not crazy. Quotes from the doc's I've seen...

"Wait, that REALLY happened? Or are you speaking figuratively?"

"You only took a 2 weeks off med school? You might need a year. At least a semester."

"Really? You passed your first semester? That's incredible" (thanks for the vote of confidence)

And the body language is hysterical. I thought shrinks were supposed to remain completely neutral. But I get wide eyes, shaking of head, cringes, and looks of utter disbelief. Pretty funny actually.

Remember how I told you wayyyyy back when that I scored a 700+ on the adjustment scale. (Refresher.... 150 is normal stress response to adjustment, 250 is considered "high stress")... well.... that's why I need it. Surprisingly, nice.

Change #3

Rozerem. I don't know how long I get to take it, but it is so great. I've totally reset my sleep schedule. I sleep deeply and wake up early. Naturally. And no daytime sleeping. I haven't slept this well my whole life.

Change #4

Med school. Well, as you know I took 2 weeks off. Which has been great. But I have a meeting with the Dean on Thursday... and I am VERY nervous about what will say. If he recommends that I leave school and start over next year I will die. DIE. You will see me on the news in a supermarket throwing acorn squash at the elderly and small children. Count on it.

Change #5

Boyfriend and I are changing. In an unspecified way. We thought about breaking up. But for now, we're just taking it easy. Maybe a little space will be good for us. Maybe a little space will end in a break-up. Time will tell.

Change #6

WHO DAT? I hate(d) football. With a passion. I've never watched a football game in my life until Sunday. I had to. Otherwise I would have been kicked out of the city. I'm now a Shockey fan.

Change #7

No change there. Still broke. Actually more broke.

Change #8

Happiness and relief. Feeling better already. Just 2 days into my new place. It is an incredible feeling to come home to 100% peacefulness. The apartment is warm and clean, and free of sawdust and powertools. No one else's schedule. No chaos that isn't mine. No Honduran guy tapping on my bedroom door wanting to sheetrock while I hide in the closet trying to find clean underwear. At 6:00 am. Unexpectedly... because my boyfriend forgot to tell me. On a test day.

Trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL

TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Wow. Oh, wow. So I took a one week excused leave from med school. Which now, I can tell, is clearly not enough time. In a moment of crises I headed to the student health center to seek a little help... and the Doc says to me "you want my opinion as a doctor or as your friend"? WTF kind of question is that? Our conversation went something like this...

Me: WTF kind of question is that?

Him: Well, as a physician, I'd probably give you some sleep aid and refer you to some counseling, tell you to come see me in a few days.

Me: And as a "friend"?

Him: I'd tell you that I've never seen another student experience the same levels of shit you've experienced and not drop out of school. Or at least take a semester off.

Me: HA! Well, I don't know if you've checked the tuition fee schedule in the last 20 years, but taking a semester off costs me about $39,000.00. And a year of my life. Which at my age I'm not that willing to give up. Plus, frankly, medical school is the only thing I actually LIKE about life right now.

Him: Well, you can pay $39,000.00 and take time off to get your life together... or you can pay $39,000.00 and be back here two weeks from now when you've really cracked... AND you can have a big fat FAIL on your record.

Me: (silently in thought) touche. (out loud) Can I have the fucking sleeping pills?

So I took the script for Rozerem... which is some melatonin thingy I don't really understand and at the same time is like manna from heaven. The shit works. And I don't feel like, well, shit the next day. I also took a week off of school. I also moved. Or rather I am in the process of moving. Which is the bane of my existence.... as I am kind of a physical wimp and as well a VERY bad packer.

Now I have to figure out what to do about the massive amount of work that I have to catch up on. What's more horrible than having to take time out of med school? Having to look forward to DOUBLE med school to make up for all you've missed.

A Decade

I'm continuing the tradition.... bloggers everywhere writing their "Decade in Review" posts. I stole the idea from Old MD Girl. Feel free to continue the madness. Here goes...

2000 ~ Year of Indecision ~ I spent the Millennium New Year's Eve being fantastically disappointed by party hopping in San Diego with people I didn't know well or didn't care about at all. All of my college friends were off traveling or home with their families, or at parties with people they were close with. I was in a sorority with many girls I didn't care about. Most years I stayed in my dorm alone (which was really my own apartment) during winter break... so the New Year was a big bust. I was a sophomore in college in a private San Diego University. I didn't know any better, and borrowed way too much to attend a mediocre liberal arts school and studied topics that never particularly interested me. I was single and for the first time ever living by myself as a grown up without roommates or parents. Which I really did love. A lot. I remember decorating. Curtains. Tapestries. Word Market. Pier One. Sewing pillows and painting pots. Susana and I were joined at the hip. We roller-bladed, pulled all night study sessions, smoked cigarettes, listened to Nat King Cole. At this point my thoughts of being a doctor were essentially limited to "maybe someday, probably not" by failing my first General Chemistry course (I had a C and didn't even show up for the final because of test anxiety). I had declared Political Science as my major not because I thought it was interesting, but because I thought it was reasonable, respectable and easy.... plus I got to spend a few months in DC.

2001 ~ Year of Italy~ I started studying Italian and found that I excelled at foreign languages. I wish I would have switched my major. That probably would have made college fantastically more interesting. Nevertheless I got A's in the first 2 semesters of Italian and spent the summer of '01 studying Italian in Perugia, Italy (same place Amanda Knox was convicted of murder). That trip changed my life, as I was 23 and it was my first trip out of the United States. I fell in love with Italy and my new found power of being able to speak a 2nd language. I drank hundreds of tiny cappuccinos, bought pasta in tiny country markets, took the train to Venice and Bologna and Rome and Capri, kissed Italian boys, and studied lots of Italian verbs on the veranda at the abbey I lived at. Reluctantly I eventually came home. Incidentally, that year I failed my first biology class as well (possibly because I only attended four times)... once again affirming that I was not going to be a physician. I was, however, elected to be Vice President of my school for the following year.

2002 ~ Year of Inspiration (and lots of Alcohol)~ Senior year of college... a little nuts to say the least. Didn't attend college much at all, in fact I didn't sleep and consumed enough alcohol to put on nearly 20 lbs. Despite all of that I met my college boyfriend Jake... who was the first boy ever I really "loved". (I guess) We graduated from college together and bought tickets to Brazil. We had a wonderful summer traveling around. While camping in the Amazon I came across an empty but beautiful white hospital building. There were banana palms and children and a huge red cross... and I then made a commitment that I now, officially, and desperately wanted to become a physician. That fall I began my post-bacc pre-med program at Harvard, lived in the South End in a pre-war brownstone with my best friend Michelle, and loved every minute of it. In Boston Michelle and I grew up. We were girls from a tiny California town, for the first time in an urban city on our own, beyond the protection of our parents or a University. We ate steamed clams and Italian food, took the subway, lunched in Harvard Square. The 20 lbs disappeared. There were hardwood floors and purple velvet drapes, ambulance sirens, cobblestones, scarves and pea-coats. It was incredible.

2003 ~ Year of Transition ~ Jake was headed to pharmacy school in Colorado and for whatever reason became unreasonably judgmental and jealous over things as insignificant as dental floss. We fought my entire year at Harvard, and finally after a "romantic" trip to Maui I broke things off with him. It ended pretty cleanly. By the summer I couldn't afford Harvard for one more minute and at 25, moved home with my parents to significantly less-sexy Phoenix. Although moving home was detrimental to my pride initially, I did get to spend time with my family. I also met the platonic love of my life. The first years I knew him we were inseparable. We finished O-Chem together, ate Thai food, drank hot chocolate and played scrabble, and lamented about pre-med and the woes of living with our parents after 25. We never dated, but we loved each other and our friendship changed me... and changed my values. I will forever cherish the time we spent together.

2004 ~ Year of Growing Up and Speaking Spanish~ I finished my pre-med classes (finally)... but was still a long way from being able to apply to medical school. I needed a paycheck. And an apartment of my own. I accepted a teaching job at an inner city Phoenix high school and moved to an uber-trendy area of downtown. My students also changed me. And my values. I went to quinceanera parties, learned spanish, taught chemistry, built a solar powered boat, practiced yoga, and found joy for the first time in employment. That year I started studying for the MCAT, and began dating Mr. Generous & Loving but Major Cultural Clash-this wont last. And it didn't.

2005 ~ Year of Katrina~ After a disastrous MCAT, I resigned from my teaching job and moved to the south to get my Masters degree in international health. I had visions of that empty white hospital building in the Amazon... and figured hey, if I can't be a physician... I might as well do something that will get me to the same place. Within 4 weeks of my MCAT results I was heading across country to my new home. And so was a hurricane. I beat her there by one day. I unloaded everything into my new apartment, grabbed a backpack with a swimsuit, 2 changes of clothes, my ipod and my travel wallet. After searching for a tank of gas for several hours I headed to Miami for what I thought would be a 2 or 3 day vacation. It turned into a 6-month vacation. I ended up driving from Miami all the way back to Phoenix and teaching at the same school I'd just resigned from. Looking back in life, this may be the only time I could say I actually "regret" a decision. I wish I would have traveled during the Katrina months. Gone to Europe. Something to take my mind off chaos. I had the money. I should have done it. I let others convince me it was a bad idea. It is said that depression ensues approximately 5 weeks after a major natural disaster. I would say that is correct. I battled with mourning my new city, my stagnation, uncertainty, and knowing I was not going to be a physician. That and I only had 3 pair of underwear.

2006 ~ Year of Tenacity ~ During this time (the evacuation) I'd met Mr. Sweet but Very Wrong for Me... and being the sweet guy that he was decided to temporarily accompany me back to the south once the city re-opened. That eventually turned into a 1.5 year Sweet but Very Wrong for Me relationship. On the first day of school in 2006, I met Dr. M, my beloved advisor who would encourage me on my path to become a physician... and who never doubted my capabilities or my tenacity. After discussing my career goals, I was convinced that I should switch from International Health to Tropical Medicine... a decision I will always be grateful for. That was much more interesting to me and it was my key to the medical school padlock. I began dating the MCAT. We went to coffee shops, had wonderful discussions and practice sessions, intellectual debates on quantum physics, and just sat around for hours on end together.

2007 ~ Year of Wonderful Things~ Dr. M had introduced me to some international malaria researchers, and I was invited to spend a summer working with them in Colombia. Which of course was amazing. I graduated from my Masters program after I returned, and had realized I had fallen in love with the south and the city I lived in. I took a research job assuming it would be temporary... but I ended up loving the job, my new single life, and the network of friends I had made over the past year. For the first time I had girlfriends who actually liked each other... which I discovered is significantly more fun than having 20 friends you only socialize with independently. I also finally had it out with the MCAT, and I won. At the end of 2007 I met Mr. Resident Physician, who turned into Boyfriend several months later.

2008 ~ Year of Insanity ~ Not sure if I was ever actually going to make it to medical school, I decided to move forward with other parts of my life. Boyfriend and I bought a house. An OLD house. Like 160 year old house. We ripped it apart and started re-building it in a way that looked historic but was modern in function. We had no idea all the things that would happen that year. A Lawsuit. A divorce. An aortic aneurism. Job lost. A murder. Three moves. Interviews. Friends lost. I got into medical school. After the insanity, exhausted by life, we packed up and moved to Miami and called it a day.

2009 ~ Year of Progress ~ After a few months of a Miami hiatus, we moved back to our house. Our old, under construction house. To one bedroom, one bathroom, and lots of walls which frame what will someday be our home. In January we huddled, cuddled, slept, and prepared to rebuild our lives after what seemed like MUCH more than we could handle had been delivered to our doorstep. February I was offered a job that I REALLY wanted as an epidemiologist. March brought a career gift better than was ever expected to my boyfriend. April brought love in the unexpected surprise package of our hound dog Luke. The year just kept getting better. I started medical school at the same school that my boyfriend is now a resident at. My brother took me to Japan for my 31st birthday. My boyfriend loves his job. I love medical school. Granted, we are broke beyond belief, we don't have a kitchen, we can't use the toaster and the hairdryer at the same time, our dishes are washed in the bathroom, and we are piled in this bedroom with our dog and a parakeet like sardines... but there are many things to be thankful for...

Well Since Everyone Else is Doing It

I might as well throw out a few of my New Year's Resolutions...

1. Ok, this one is the most important. I really ReAlLy REALLY want to eat different and MORE veggies. I feel like I eat the same 5 vegetables over and over again... despite the millions of varieties on the planet. I just ate my first tomatillo (that I'm aware of) last week!

2. I should also keep an eye on my medical school slacking. I only studied for my histology exam 1 day last block. I managed to do well, but that could really get me in trouble if I'm not careful.

3. I will devote at least one full weekend a month to building my house. I've really been slacking this year. A lot. At this rate I will be living in a bedroom for the rest of my life.

4. I want to start cooking different recipes. I cook quite a bit now... but like the veggie problem I tend to cook the same 20 items. How about 3 brand new recipes a month?

5. Time to dive into EM, and see if I really like it. My elective is starting this month... so I think it's a great chance to really get involved and see if EM is for me. If not, I want to have a chance to explore lots of other fields of medicine before graduation. It would suck to get to 4th year and be like hey, EM sucks... what now???

Boyfriend as Psychiatrist

Ahhh. Dating a psychiatrist. Well, I guess we're past dating because we own a home together... but just for fun, I'll say we're dating. So of course you've heard that all psychiatrists are crazy. Well let me clear up that rumor right now. It's true. My boyfriend is nuts. In a good way. Most of the time.

The cool thing about dating a psychiatrist is that he is acutely insightful about everything he does wrong. For instance if I say angrily, "How many friggin' times do I have to tell you....If you don't RINSE the sponge with hot water and SQUEEZE it dry, it gets moldy. Do you SMELL that? Do you want to eat off a plate cleaned with THAT?" He'll say "Ok, you're right. That sounds logical. I'll try to be better. I'm not promising anything... but I'll do my best to remember." Ok, so this kind of psychiatrist talk gets under my skin a little... cause it seems a little condescending but what can you really say to that answer??... However, it sure beats "Yo bitch, if you'd do the damn dishes yourself we wouldn't have this problem"

Additionally, what's cool is that he always sticks up for me by labeling others with Axis I disorders to make me feel better. For instance, if I am complaining about how Alisha is too boy crazy and a drama queen... he'll be like "Well, she's classical histrionic. Hypersexual type." Or if I complain that somebody stood me up twice for a meeting and didn't call he'll say "He's so ADD he can barely function"

Ok, the part that sucks is that when you're dating a relatively insightful person... you're supposed to be insightful and reflective too. On demand. Which I'm not. I'm much more of a "go to bed pissed, wake up a little grumpy, forget about it an hour later and never think about it again type of person". I am definitely NOT a "lets talk about this, what could I do better, here's what you could do better, yes in retrospect a good compromise would be, kiss and make up" type of person. And dating someone who is a "lets talk about" kind of person can make you feel incredibly immature when you just prefer to skulk and steam for a little while, then forget about. Because the disconnect leads to "I really don't think we properly resolved that problem last month. I think we should talk about it again and make a list of the things we should do better" from him... and all I'm thinking is "uh....what argument????"

Top 40 of the Last 10 Years

I decided to make a list of the things I would have missed out on if I'd started medical school at 21. Wow, the last 10 years have been busy!

1. Was a paid-on-call firefighter

2. Graduated from college with my BA in Political Science

3. Was an RA, Vice President of my university, and a sorority girl

4. Studied Italian in Italy for several months, traveled all of Italy

5. Was an ecology research assistant

6. Had 4 long term relationships... and a bunch of not-so-long-term ones

7. Moved to Boston, lived in a beautiful brownstone, attended Harvard for PBPM

8. Became a high school chemistry, biology, and sex education teacher

9. Traveled around Brazil, camped on the Amazon River, discovered Rio de Janeiro

10. Helped 21 of my illegal-immigrant students get into college with full scholarships

11. Got my EMT certification

12. Conducted clinical research study at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston

13. Lived in Phoenix (downtown), Miami (MiMo), New Orleans, Boston (South End), Washington DC and San Diego

14. Won a scholarship for infectious epidemiology from the CDC to train in Charlotte

15. Bought my first house, gutted it, and am rebuilding it from my own design.

16. Conducted clinical research for the Department of GI and Cardiology

17. Invited by a prestigious research group in Colombia to work on p. vivax vaccine candidate (I went by myself.... with little ability to speak Spanish!)... and I traveled around Colombia

18. Got my Masters degree in tropical medicine

19. Got to be an extra in a movie with Brad Pitt

20. Was an ID Epidemiologist for the state

21. Watched every episode of Sex and the City like 10 times

22. Adopted the best dog in the world

23. Got into med school!

24. Met my wonderful boyfriend

25. Taught General Chemistry I, II to undergrads

26. Was an HIV/STD safe sex educator for elementary & college students, residential bootcamps, drug rehab, etc.

27. Worked in behavioral neuropsychology researching the effect of the estrous cycle on neuron morphology

28. Learned to speak conversational Spanish

29. Taught over 150 children and 2 adults to swim

30. Evacuated 2 Hurricanes... and actually escaped 1

31. Road trip across the United States 4 times

32. Taught English in Tijuana migrant worker camps

33. Designed my own study to assess tumor cell response to combination treatments for pancreatic cancer

34. Was present (team right leg!) for the birth of one of my favorite student's first baby

35. Advised the 12th grade physics class "solar tech" club... we built a full size (2+ people!) solar powered boat to race in the "Solar Spectacular" competition

36. Was featured in an article in the San Diego Union Tribune for "interior design" advice from amateur, alternative, designers.

37. Built a great circle of friends and advisors who I love.

38. Completed an internship in Washington DC on politics and the media

39. Went skydiving (Ok, this may have been 11 years ago)

40. Canoed up the Colorado River to Black Canyon Hot Springs.

Ok... that's all I can think of right now. But you should make your own list. It makes you feel better!

My Current Heartthrobs

My love affairs:

Emergency Medicine - we've have a long-term, ongoing, passion-filled affair for years. Still makes my pulse race like the first time we met. Every encounter is new and exciting, I'm never bored, and you don't expect much commitment.

On the Rocks:

Cardiology - we could have a good thing going, as I do think your anatomy is pretty hot... but you're just so inconsiderate with my time. I mean, I can't have a relationship where you expect me to just jump everytime you snap your fingers.

OB-GYN - we need to work on a few issues before we commit to each other. Namely, I'm not sure how I feel about vaginas being the last body part I'll ever see. I mean, how do you look at the vagina and say, "ok you're the one. I'm happy knowing that I'll never have to learn the intimate anatomy of another region of the human body". I'm just not ready to be tied down.

Anesthesia - I'm willing to go to couples therapy. Let's just take a break, give ourselves some space, and if it's meant to be it will happen.

Family Medicine - we are indeed oh-so compatible, yet I'm still waiting for the spark. We seem good from far, but far from good. We should work... but we don't.

Break-ups:

Urology - sorry sweetheart, you lost me at kidney stones and foley catheters.

Geriatrics - my dear you never had a chance. I need a relationship that grows and improves over time.

Ophthalmology - It's me, not you.

A few stresses...

I guess I haven't mentioned too much about my personal life, but the situation is a little less than perfect.

My boyfriend is a psychiatry resident at the same school I am attending. We bought a house together about a year ago, and have been completely renovating it since then... hoping that we would be done by now. HA HA. Needless to say we are still living in one bedroom, with one bathroom. No kitchen. No space. Definitely no place to study. I do my dishes in the bathtub. It's less than ideal to say the least. And since we are now both officially in school or residency, the prospect of time and money is looking a little dim.

But I do have to say that I love the house. It is over 120 years old, and we are renovating from the ground up. I've designed the floorplan myself, and shopped endlessly for farmhouse sinks, vintage toilets, salvaged chandeliers, beadboard, etc. It's going to be fabulous. Someday.

Time for reflecting...

So now that I have a little time off between work and starting medical school, I have been thinking a lot about my situation. I know I've touched on this before, but I have been thinking how HAPPY I am that I did things in this order. Sure there is part of me that hopes I'm not the oldest one in the class (I did see one person who is 29, close but I'm still older)... but really I am overall ok with it. I was daydreaming and wondering if someone gave me a real choice... to give up my house, my travels, my Master's degree, my previous careers, my epidemiology experience, teaching at an inner city school, my dog, my debt, living in Boston, Phoenix, San Diego, Miami, Washington DC, Italy, learning languages, my friends I've met all over the world... Just to be graduated from med school and done with residency by age 30, I can safely say "Hell no!"

I must admit, when I look at my college friends facebook pages and they are already practically done with residency I certainly feel envious. I have friends in ID, medicine, OB, ER, etc. But then I remember that they didn't do all the things I've done... and frankly I'm looking forward to medical school and residency. All of that is over for them.

I'm not going to say that they did it wrong or right... I'm just saying that this way is right for me. I don't think I realized it until I was accepted into med school. Before then, I was so worried about what the hell I would do if I didn't get in that I couldn't even see the benefits of starting medical school "late" in life. I felt so behind. I guess I've always been behind up until this point. I didn't do the right classes in high school so I had to catch up in college. Since I was catching up in college I wasn't prepared for my pre-med classes... it was a big cycle. For the first time I am suddenly "in" the game.... and assuming I do well in medical school I'll be ahead of the game for residency. I'll have my Masters degree, epi experience, research, papers, etc.

In my opinion one of the greatest gifts you have as an older student is perspective. I think by my age you learn not to be bound by what everyone else thinks, and you actually enjoy being the out of the box thinker. I am able to sort through advice and not take anyone's word as gospel, which I don't think I did when I was younger.

A good thought

So today was my last official day as an epidemiologist. Truthfully, yesterday was my last day since today I decided to use my sick time ;) But that's not the reason I'm posting today. I'm posting because the most amazing thing occurred to me today. That is that there is a very good chance that I will never have to have a bullshit job ever again! In fact, my next job very well might be as a physician. As I look back at the crappy jobs I've had over the years... I seriously cannot believe it! Oh, god... so many of these were awful and oh-so-boring!!! Here's a quick list.

1. Counter/server @ a pizza place (age 14)

2. French Bakery (age 15)

3. Women's consignment shop (age 16)

4. Life guard (age 15-17)

5. Coffee shop inside a Lowes -type building supply (age 17)

6. Secretary at lumber supply (age 18)

7. Mervyns (age 18)

8. Orthopedic medical records (age 18)

9 Railroad secretary (age 19)

10. Lifeguard manager and swim teacher (age 19)

11. Camping store sales (age 20)

12. Personal assistant (age 20)

13. Resident assistant (age 21-23)

14. Abercrombie and Fitch (age 22)

15. Vice president of associated students (age 23)

16. Server (age 23)

17. Adult/child swim teacher (age 24)

18. Ecology research assistant (age 24)

19. HIV/Std educator

20. High School Chemistry teacher (age 25-26)

21. University Chemistry Teaching Asst. (age 27)

22. Fine dining hostess (age 27)

23. Clinical Research Coordinator (age 28-29)

24. Public Health Epidemiologist (age 30)

And even though I've jumped from job to job... I've never been fired or disciplined. And I've quit nearly every job out of sheer boredom! And possibly, just maybe... I'll never have to feel that way about a job ever again. Lets hope that's the case, and not that I'll be laughing my ass off in five years thinking how naive I was for writing this.

Just to Clarify

So after reading my initial post, I would assume there are some of you hard-charger medical hopefuls who are saying... "Don't want that girl cutting on me. She failed chemistry 20 times and had to take the MCAT 4 times."

Well, this blog isn't for you. So you can read something else and just hope to GOD that I won't be your physician some day.

For those of you who are intrigued by my long journey to medical school, I thought I'd just just put out a little summary of my qualifications and med school applications stats for reference.

Degrees

Masters of Science in Public Health 2007
PBPM Program 2003
BA Political Science 2002

Academic Stats

Graduate GPA overall 3.82
Graduate Science GPA 3.75
Post-Bacc 2.8
Undergraduate GPA 3.10
Undergraduate Science 2.6

MCAT 28N

Previous Careers

State Public Health Epidemiologist, Infectious Disease 2009
Clinical Research Coordinator, Department of Medicine, GI & Cardiology 2007-2009
Graduate Teaching Assistant, Chemistry 2005-2006
High School Chemistry, Biology, Sexual Health teacher 2005-2006
Research Assistant Ecology Lab 2003-2004
HIV/STD Heath Educator 2003-2004

Volunteer Work and Research

Malaria Vaccine Research in South America 2007
Mobile Clinic Volunteer 2007
Behavioral Neuropsychiatry Research 2004
Clinical Research Volunteer ER 2003
Teen Health Awareness Project director 2001
Hospital Volunteer 2000
Firefighter 1999-2000

Other

University Vice President of Associated Students 2001-2002
Resident Assistant 1999-2001
EMT 2003


Languages

English, Basic Spanish

Gearing up... Two days of work left

So perhaps I haven't clarified my exact timeline.... to be clear, today is July 8, 2008 and I begin medical school orientation on July 31, 2008. My last day of work is this Friday (only 2.3 days left!!!). While I'm on the subject... how about a little discussion about my job. So technically, I am the syphilis epidemiologist for the state. I'm supposed to recieve and review every case of syphilis that is reported in the state, verify that the symptoms and testing history actually meet diagnosis criteria, and then to report whatever various performance numbers to the CDC. Unofficially, I am really just a data entry bitch. I mean really, do I need a Master's degree for this? How difficult is it to learn the progression of syphilis (maybe a learning curve of half a day), and to look over a case? Does this person have symptoms? Check. Positive lab test? Check? Sex with someone who had syphilis? Check. Ok it's syphilis. And if it's not, treat them anyway just in case.

Now as easy as this may appear, I, apparently am pretty high on the food chain around here. When I asked my boss about potential promotions for the future... she kinda laughed and asked me if I was trying to scope out her job. Huh? There must be like 50 people that work in my department. What the hell do they all do?? Working for the state is quite the phenomenon. I'm glad I had this experience before I committed to 5 years working for the government in some crappy hospital for partial loan forgiveness as a physician. I really can't believe the rigamoral that comes with working here. Here's a quick summary Below:

1) They don't give a rat's ass if you actually work or not... just as long as you show up and pretend to work. I could work my ass off to finish a project in 3 weeks that normally takes 4 months and no one would ever notice or praise me. But I show up ten minutes late twice in a week and we're having a meeting.

2) There is essentially no incentive to work... because promotions are just based on how many years you've been sitting in your cubicle conducting random searches on Craigslist. For example, here I am merrily blogging away. Nobody gives a damn.

3) People are truely morons that work here. Here's a perfect example of what I mean. This conversation took place between myself and the supposed syphilis expert during a syphilis training. We were discussing verticle transmission of syphilis.

Ella: So in verticle transmission do the treponemes actually cross the placenta, or does the mother have to have a vaginal lesion in order for transmission to occur?

Syphilis expert: Uh. What do you mean? Syphilis is in the mothers blood and it gets in the baby's blood.

Ella: Stare Ok well, the actual bacteria has to get into the fetal blood system somehow. Can treponemes actually migrate across the placenta?

Syphilis expert: The blood is mixed. So the baby gets syphilis.

Ella: I know I should stop at this point. Well, syphilis expert, as I'm sure you know since you have a degree in biology, human maternal/fetal blood systems don't mix under normal circumstances. That's why mothers and children can have different blood types, and why mothers must be tested for RH factor to ensure that their blood doesn't attack their fetus. What happens is the maternal capillaries get thinner and thinner (yada yada)... oxygen and glugose can cross.. (yada yada)... no actual mixing....

Syphilis expert: Well I've never heard that.

Rest of classmates: In unison That doesn't sound right to us.

Syphilis expert: Let me ask someone

Enter syphilis expert #2

Syphilis expert #2: So what's your question? (I repeat my question)

Syphilis expert #2: Well, the baby gets syphilis from the mothers blood. (I repeat my explanatation... and this is the second moment I should have ended this)

Syphilis expert #2: Where are you getting this information that the maternal and fetal blood don't mix.

Ella: exasperated beyond comprehension Um, science? It's a fact.

Needless to say, this conversation didn't get any better.

The Journey Thus Far

ABOUT ME....

I'm a "non-traditional" student (I hate that designation by the way... because really, it just means that I'm not 22 and blindly entering the field of medicine because my father was an OBGYN). In my case it means that I'm starting medical school at 30 and have had quite the time trying to get here.

I always liked the idea of being a physician, but I could never quite get my mind around the idea of so many extra years of school, and the amount of hard work I'd have to do just to get into school. I was an average college student to begin with, and certainly not anything special in the sciences. In fact I started and either failed or dropped my first chemistry class about 20 times over (only a slight exaggeration). I did however, have enough of a taste of medicine to know that I was somewhat interested. I'd been a lifeguard, a paid on call firefighter, and had volunteered in a few ER's. I had the "rush" every time I walked in a hospital... that adrenaline feeling that said "This is freakin' awesome!"

I graduated with a BA in political science from an expensive private university in southern California and absolutely zero idea of what to do with it. By this time, medical school was still on my mind, but considering how many people shot down my plans... I was pretty convinced it would never happen.

I call this syndrome "pre-med-itis". It's a phenomenon where you are trying desperately to jump through the frustrating pre-med hoops (which is the most miserable thing on earth), and you are evermore fueled by the essentially never-ending line of people who so thoughtfully and insensitively suggest that you'll never make it. Either directly "Oh, GOD. Don't do it. Medicine isn't what it used to be." or "What's your science GPA? Oh, you'll never get in with that".... or sometimes less directly "Have you thought about nursing?" or "Oooo... so much school!".

Anyway, fueled by my desire to go to medical school and a somewhat defiant personality, I packed up what I owned in a minivan I borrowed from my Mom and headed out to Boston with my best friend Michelle. Big plans. No money. Michelle was law-school bound and I was med-school bound. I'd been accepted into the post-bacc pre-med program at Harvard University to take my pre-med classes. We rented a fabulous brownstone apartment and stayed for a year. I finished general biology and general chemistry before I really ran out of money and had to move home to Arizona with my parents. I finished my pre-med classes at Arizona State University and got a full time job teaching chemistry at an inner city Phoenix high school. I studied for the MCAT, took the MCAT and applied to 30 med schools. Yay I was going to med school!

Not so fast! AFTER my applications went in, I got my MCAT results. I was devastated to see a big 19. A 19? Is that possible? For reference, a perfect score is 45, and a competitive score is above 30. You probably wouldn't even be glanced at by even the worst schools without at least a 25. And I had a 19. I knew I wasn't going anywhere.

A SIDENOTE

Ok, here I'm going to rant a little about standardized exams. For those of you who have done poorly on the MCAT, the DAT, the PCAT, the LSAT, whatever.... you know that these exams have the ability to severely affect the way that you feel about yourself. Really the whole process is bullshit. These exams serve one purpose, and one purpose only. That is that they are a weeding out process so that schools have a reason to review only 2000 applications instead of the 15,000 they receive.

In my opinion:

The theoretical "Pro's" of Standardized Exams:

1) Show's discipline

BS. I know several people who never studied a day, are horrible procrastinators, and are overall terrible teammates and have a foul sense of follow-through and got a 38R first time. I also know (many) people who studied 10-16 hours a day for months and eat, slept, breathed the MCAT and ended up with a 21. #1 SHOT DOWN

2) Shows you can synthesize a large amount of material and be successfully tested on it.

Again. So subjective. Perhaps you are able to regurgitate some crap about the properties of ethers, but does that mean that you won't tell a patient with a 4th grade education that he has hepatic cirrhosis? (If you're thinking, "What's wrong with that?" you might fall into this category). #2 Weak

3) You'll need those principles in med school.

Um hmm. Exactly where in medical school do we use Kirchoff's circuit laws? #3 Whatever


OK BACK TO THE STORY

Luckily, in the middle of one of my indecisive moments about medical school I had applied to a few Master's programs and was accepted. I still held several acceptances and within two weeks I'd quit my job and moved to the South to get my MPH. After a 6 month delay because of Hurricane Katrina (that bitch), I started the program and loved it from day one. It was health, it was prevention, it was environment, it was medicine, it was treatment, it was wonderful and it made me want to go to medical school oh-so-much-more!

But I couldn't. All thoughts of medical school made me want to break out into dry heaves.... the shame, the shame.... I'd scored a 19! Surrounded by those overachieving MD/MPH's in my classes I didn't dare breathe that I too, wanted to be a physician. For certain their first question would be "What did you get on the MCAT?" I couldn't handle it.

Secretly, I studied again for the MCAT. I scored a 25. Better. But not good enough. However, the improvement in my score was enough to motivate me to study harder. I studied again, harder, longer, better. I knew every speck of material inside and out. I was ready. I bombed it. Third time wasn't a charm I guess.

Right after that I went to Cali, Colombia to complete a practicum project for my Masters degree. I'd been invited by a group of researchers who were conducting phase II clinical trials on a vaccine candidate for plasmodium vivax malaria. I had a blast. I learned tons of stuff and of course lots of spanish.

I graduated with my Masters right after I came home from Colombia, and started working in clinical research in gastroenterology. By this time I was REALLY over taking the MCAT. I decided to try one more time. This time I was emotionally out of fetal position and mentally laughing at the arbitrary nature of this test. I didn't study even a day. I took one or two full length exams the week before the test... but other than that, nothing.

I got a 28. Finally. Not a perfect score... but certainly enough to get me in. I spoke to the Dean of the medical school I worked at, and she said to apply. My stats were competitive for the school. I was surprised because I'd continuously heard that this school wouldn't even consider you without above a 3.7 and a 33 MCAT. Whatever. I'd take it. I applied, and was rejected. Not even an interview. I was devastated and felt so betrayed. Why all this talk from the Dean, the back and forth emails that assured me that I was in the competitive range? Why the smiles? I worked for this school, I graduated from this school, and now not even an interview.

By the following application cycle, I summoned enough courage to write the Dean a less than fluffy email stating my interest in applying again, and asking what on earth I should do to improve my application. I'll paraphrase (and Hollywood-ify) our exchange below.

Email # 1

Hi Dr. Dean,

Well, I've managed to talk myself off the ledge for the past eight months, and am now ready again take the elevator to the 117th floor. Is there any way you can tell me what I can possibly do to get into your freaking medical school. I've done everything except set myself on fire.

On the cold side but cordially,

Ella

Email #2

Dear Ella,

Of course I remember you!!!! Your scores and stats are fine. In fact, I marked your application for an interview. Why did you withdraw your application last year?

With love,

Dr. Dean

Email #3

Dear Dr. Dean,

Excuse me? I DID NOT withdraw my application last year. In fact I have a lovely rejection letter that proves it.

Lukewarmly,

Ella

Email #4

My dearest darling Ella,

Could you possibly make it in at your earliest convenience for a meeting?

Best friends forever,

Dr. Dean



So maybe the above emails aren't verbatim, but they convey the gist of what happened. The Dean (whom I actually do think is an amazing wonderful woman), asked me to apply again... so I did, and I was accepted during my interview.

The rest is history. I was accepted early in the 2008 application cycle for the 2009-2010 academic year.