Reflection on Flaws

For my FIM class we had to write an essay on one of our flaws. Here's mine... for all the googlers. This is how I got in trouble last time. Lets see how it works this time...

Oh to choose just one flaw, when there are so many to pick from. Should I select the flaw that I believe is most hazardous to my physician health, I would say my largest and most important flaw is that I am different. Now, upon first glance one may paradoxically think that being different is an asset… and indeed in many cases it is. But not in this case. Not in the land of doctors.

For me, being different means that I rarely seem to be on the same page as my peers. My ideas are usually out in left field compared to everyone else (who oddly always seem to agree with each other). I am bored by routine. I think outside the box. Not just on the other side of the line… but really really far away from the box. I have millions of ideas. Every day. Every moment. I’m a big picture person and often fail to understand the importance of details. I often choose ethics and humanity over what makes “business sense”, and I hug my patients and chit-chat about their grandchildren when it is not a convenient time. I have no patience for pettiness and jealousy and turf wars. I’m never aware of class gossip because I don’t gossip, and I usually prefer to be alone. Although I am constantly told that I am understanding, non-judgmental, and easy to confide in, I myself feel misunderstood. While everyone else panics about exams, I only aspire to pass. Usually because my head is filled with other ideas. My classmates have planned out their residencies, and I believe that destiny leads you to where you are going. I don’t take notes in class. Frankly I can barely pay attention in class. My mind is busy thinking of new ways to recruit donors for a self-sustaining hospital that I want to build in rural Colombia. Or something the professor has given me a new idea for a way to get my pancreatic cancer cell line to develop drug resistance. Or maybe I could develop a research project on the predictive factor of a patient’s ability to correctly define their own disease state. Or…. See? It’s endless. I could go on forever.

One of the consequences of being a misfit is that I am usually thought to be overstepping my role in whatever I’m doing, often my benevolent intentions interpreted as just the opposite by my colleagues. My friends would describe me as willful and passionate and a creative problem solver, but I doubt my classmates would say the same. Just last week I noticed that one of my classmates was displeased because I asked a patient additional questions not on our “list”, which were technically the responsibility of other student team. To me, I was being empathic and human and searching for pieces of a very large puzzle thus far not found. In the end, I was able to locate a huge missing piece of that patient’s diagnosis. Unfortunately, I’m certain my classmate felt that his territory was infringed upon and that I was being overly aggressive.

I have seen other physicians with similar personalities experience severe difficulty fitting in, and difficulty maintaining their position in the physician world. I believe the key to solving this problem is to be as quiet as possible, and as unobtrusive as possible while training to be a physician. Hopefully someday when I’m older, wiser, and more secure in my medical career I can be more forthcoming with my quirkiness.

I can honestly say I have tried and tried to stifle the parts of my personality that cause me ask millions of questions, to say what no one else is thinking, to challenge authority, and to question the legitimacy of nearly everything I am presented with. I understand how detrimental these qualities can be to a physician-in-training. I’m working on it. It’s just so darn difficult! The excitement I feel when I have a new idea or find a solution to a problem is overwhelming!

Now that I’m older, I’ve come to embrace the fact that I am different. Although it has been a hard road. I’ve never been friends with the masses, but instead have a small but precious collection of friends who are also quite quirky and out-of-the-box thinkers. Many of them older, many of them physicians. They’ve told me that I’ll do well in my chosen career, and that I’m an “old soul” We shall see. Hopefully they are correct.