Different Rules

IT IS one of the hardy annuals in British football commentary: "That would not have been a foul in the Premiership" says whatever raving xenophobe is doing the TV commentary on a Champions League or Europa League match, as the defender from the British club attempts castration without anaesthetic on the forward from the foreign club.

We all nod sagely, barely stopping to consider: maybe we're doing it wrong in this country, with our obsession for "manly" football - or, if you like: a thug's charter. OK, I realise there are thugs abroad too, in fact, I have long-ago suggested we automatically include an Auchinleck Talbot defender any time we fact the Dutch, just to keep the oranjie in-check.

But, abroad, referees do tend to come down like a ton of bricks on bad fouls, something which isn't always the case on these islands. This fact tends to backfire in particular on Scottish clubs - when you get the irony of Rangers and Celtic, the big bullies in Scotland, being repeatedly pinged for poor tackling in Europe, where they are the wee guys.

Willie Collum has, apparently, flourished more than twice as many red cards this season (14) than his nearest challenger as Scottish refereeing's number one card sharp, Calum Murray (6). So, Oor Wullie is a baddie.

Not quite, leaving aside the fact that, in wanting to be a top referee from the age of 13, we have to question Mr Collum's sanity, can we consider this point.

The SFA began fast-tracking Willie Collum when he was barely out of short trousers. Over the past ten years of more, he has regularly attended refereeing seminars and workshops across Europe. Willie Collum has more idea of what UEFA and FIFA expects of referees than any other Scottish referees.

Willie Collum referees from a European rather than a Scottish perspective, so, he's going to be harder on the sort of fouls which other Scottish referees, more used to our hand-knitted school of football, let go. For instance, Charlie Richmond referees from an Auchinleck perspective - nae bluid, nae foul.

I am not saying Willie Collum is right or wrong, but I certainly feel that Scottish football's continued tolerance of bad tackles is wrong.

You can still make great tackles, but tackling is a skill, it maybe has to be taught and perhaps we don't have the coaches in Scotland today who can teach it. If we had, I don't think Willie Collum would be getting as much stick as he does.

ALL I have to say about the Neil Lennon, Paul McBride, Trish Godman nail bombs is - other than shooting them, I can think of no other approach which might work on the lunatic or lunatics behind these obscene parcels. Scotland was, allegedly, the last heathen nation in Europe - maybe we still are.

I KNOW matches are supposed to be played to a finish and if a game is abandoned, even if, there are less than two minutes to play and one side is 5-0 up, it must be replayed. But surely, given the fact they have twice travelled all the way from Dingwall to Dumfries and seen their game abandoned, because of a faulty generator - having had to turn round from half-way on the occasion of the first match, the SFL should not delay any longer. Give Ross County the points.

Queen of the South are clearly in bother, but, even their fans are fed-up with this one continuing to drag on. Give County the three points - now.

GIVEN all that's going-on off the pitch, things could really get out of hand at Ibrox on Sunday. Easter Sunday, supposedly the greatest day of hope in the year. Yet here we are, hoping the sight of 22 men chasing a bag of wind doesn't bring about early Agmegeddon.

How about, the SPL calls an emergency meeting and decrees: Rangers and Celtic each have exactly the same record after 33 games, same points, same goals for an against. They then play their remaining five fixtures behind closed doors at a neutral venue and no results will be announced until all five games have been played, whereupon the SPL Champions will be announced.

That neutral venue should be somewhere remote and easily-policed, like Greenland or South Georgia.

There, sorted - no trouble.

I commend this motion to the house.