and especially when there so far away and i have a lot of disadvantages ahead ? my only goals in life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe. those are my goals full fcking stop. but look at my circumstances : i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society. i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did. i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying. ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education.. im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society. i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me.. i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems.... no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past.. i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had.. im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd. wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal. ive aged prematurly in my face.. have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now. this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger. cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my penis, an itchy, smelly sweaty scrotum, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet. the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my penis head..plus discoloration of the head part. i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago.. my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago. my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe. but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ? im despairing right now. its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind. people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation. theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam. with all this, and in general ; what am i going to do ?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." Get out there, do something. Get a hobby, meet people. Maybe volunteer for a charity or hospital. You need meaning and purpose in your life. Do something with your life, I know you can. I'm not just saying this to be nice. I only bother to answer questions on here if I really mean it. You are very motivated, you have your goals set out before you (the computer job thing). Not many people in life can pin-point their exact ambitions. It takes some people a looong time to realise what they really want in life. Some people never do. You have it laid out in front of you. So grab it. The fact that I have seen this question so many times on this website shows me that you are seeking answers that nobody on this website or any website can give you. Only you can help yourself, but you keep searching on the internet, sitting there while people assure you that you can achieve your dreams, but will it ever be enough? Get out there and do something, no one can predict your future, the only thing I will say is that it is perfectly possible to achieve those ambitions from scratch at the age of 30. Thirty is in no way old. Believe me you CAN live a happy life, and I'm sure you will, because that is exactly what my bipolar father did. He had nothing. In fact your situation sounds remarkably like his. He saved up money, went travelling, found my mum, fell in love, came back to England and had me. This was at 30 years old. Now he is such an inspiration to me, I love him more than anything. He also lives on disability and on his own now, but he has me and we are closer than anything. A child may not be what you want in life, but I am just using this as an example. You find true love when you least expect it, but getting out and socialising more will increase your chances :) I know that one day you'll find someone. Don't be sad about your situation now, be positive and excited about your future because things will change if you really want them to. It may sound cliché or whatever, but fretting and moping over your appearance is not doing you any good, and will not do anyone any good ever. Good luck, maybe talk to your therapist about jobs, IT training courses and hobbies/clubs, becoming more social is your first way of moving forward. The fact that you keep posting this question suggests that you want to hold on to the past because you are afraid to move forwards because you don't know any different. You may well have missed out in life and had a horrible past, but stop dwelling on it. Move on from here, let this be a milestone. Maybe even use your horrifically hard life as drive and determination. Use it as strength rather than weakness, use it as inspiration to change your life. 'How can I make my dreams happen when they are so far away?' You can be happy in the meantime knowing that you are working your way towards reaching them. The fact that you are giving your life purpose by taking action and pursuing your dreams will make you a happier and healthier minded person in general. It says on your yahoo profile that you 'cherche la vérité dans la vie', well there it is, I tell my honest opinion... I'm honestly not just trying to be 'nice'. I sincerely and genuinely wish you the best of luck, if you want to talk about it more message me via my profile. Keep me updated :) x
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