i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society. i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did. i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying. ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education.. im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society. i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me.. i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems.... no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past.. i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had.. im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd. wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal. ive aged prematurly in my face.. have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now. this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger. cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my penis, an itchy, smelly sweaty scrotum, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet. the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my penis head..plus discoloration of the head part. i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago.. my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago. my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe. but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ? im despairing right now. its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind. people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation. theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam. with all this, and in general ; what am i going to do ?
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Oh my goodness, how do we allow our lives to run so out of control. You can change this, and you must change this now before bitterness and resentfulness consume you. It's not that people don't care, it's just that they are not aware of your pain. Do not give your life up for your mother, our parents deserve support and help from us, but they gave us our lives so we may live them. You are slipping into the realm of self pity and this will not help you improve your lot. You need to find a way to be out there in society, try volunteering somewhere. There are literally hundreds of organisations crying out for help and through giving your time you will be spending time with other people and will gradually build friendships with them. Try teaching adults to read at the local library, working at a homeless shelter, think what you are good at, what you have to offer and work on it from there. Don't be scared to contact this lady - I doubt she'll reject you it's just online chat. Don't expect a miracle instant fix, it has taken some years to get to this position it will take a while to rejoin society but it can be done. You should ask a mental heath practitioner to point you in the right direction, there must be loads of projects you could get involved in.
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