ive been waiting months for therapy, ive had a tragic horrific life so far - im 30 now - i have borderline poersonality disorder and ptsd.. my life has been one long tradgedy so far . earlier this morning i went for my therapy assesment where they asked me a group of questions about my life so far. ive been told in general that the correct therapy for bpd is dialectal behaviour therapy .... however at this stage dr andrew told me its not certain whether their psychotherapy centre can help me yet.....its just an assesment. and that they can only offer group therapy - what the hell ? can anyone advise what to do here, because where i live, this is the only therapy unit available.... and i thought i might get dbt or individual psychotherapy. i really battle with my disorder and rage and feeling alienated from society and just want to move ahead with my life........ive already missed out a great deal in life.. so what do i do, do i take their therapy if they offer it me ? im so annoyed - plus heres my circumstances in general : i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society. i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did. i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying. ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education.. im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society. i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me.. i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems.... no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past.. i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had.. im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd. wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal. ive aged prematurly in my face.. have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now. this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger. cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my penis, an itchy, smelly sweaty scrotum, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet. the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my penis head..plus discoloration of the head part. i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago.. my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago. my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe. but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ? im despairing right now. its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind. people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation. theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam. with all this, and in general ; what am i going to do ? people have treated me aloofly and standoffishly for years now like their conveying the message im below them and that theyre rejecting me.. like theres a STIGMA that follows me around. and im being SOCIALLY EXCLUDED from society. people treat me like a sad charity case and convey i would only be accepted because society would feel soory for me.. i get spoken down to, belittled, condescended....prople....females, shop workers , authority figures are all aloof with me. i have severe low self esteem which means im constantly rejected....i get clingy...act desperate.......then people back away from me. im so angry right now.....i just want to emigrate from the uk, with a good paying job.....thats it.
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Hey, It´s no easy situation, and I dunno if anything i say will help... I came on here cos i´m worried about my brother, who broke up with his girlfriend 6 months ago, is on drugs and smoking and is becoming socially outcast and is majorly depressed and its like watching a person disintegrate... it´s so easy to happen aswell... and i´ve kind of been there myself... once you start to disintegrate it just continues and continues and you need something to pull you out and give you a boost....... what i can say is that all those feelings of being outcast and that society is aloof... they´re all in your head. you have low self-esteem, it´s understandable, you´ve had some knocks, but you need to build that up........ but the feelings like no one cares, no one is there to call you or check up on you.... well who do you EXPECT to be calling you and caring about you?? you first of all need to go out and meet people and build friendships and get people in your life who care, and it´s totally NOT easy.., believe me, i know....... i don´t have the same problems as you, but i´m majorly shy and insecure, and i broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years 6 months ago, and after that i spiralled downwards and downwards and didn´t know how to cope or deal wih it or meet anyone knew, and people always come and go, its not easy...... you just kind of need to accept who you are and feel confident with yourself, and then it´ll be easier to make people think you´re worthwhile and want to be in your life...... with the Russian girl i´d suggest waiting until you feel more secure before you do anything..... and ok maybe therapy will help with all that. just try not to think negatively ok? whenever you do feel negatively or down or angry, just stop yourself, force yourself to stop. society isn´t out to get you and isn´t excluding you, but you have to make that effort to get into it and be a part of it....... i´m honestly not trying to sound patronising, and duno if that´s helped....... i have no clue how to help my brother and get his confidence back and help him get his life back on track...... it´s so hard....... go to the therapy, you´ll never know if you don´t try it, and really give it your 100% all..... dont convince yourslef before you go that it´s not going to work....... if you want your life to improve you have to commit yourself to improving it, and really want it to improve... i think that´s the main thing.... after breaking up with my boyfriend i wasn´t ready to even think about improving... its taken 6 months for me to feel ready/or have the energy to want things to change....you have to really want it and committ to it and hopefully it´ll all be ok if i´ve blabbered away its probs cos i´m just trying ot find the answer myself and i duno what to say........but good luck and i hope the therapy works :-)
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